Maybe kindness is a special gene that only some people are blessed with. Not everyone, mind you because kindness per se – as a personality feature – is hard to find.

How do you explain kindness?  It’s strangely hard to describe. And no, it isn’t merely philanthropy.  Some philanthropists can be miserable buzzards who only give in order to enhance the image of their corporations.

No, kindness is something else.  It’s an innate gentleness.  You can see it in a gentle smile in a quiet, helping hand and in a modest absenting of the self.

My grandfather was all these things and more.  It was an innate quality that he had and one can only hope that he passed this gene onto one or two of his descendants.

These days however, the word “kindness” has largely fallen into disuse. Mysteriously it has all but disappeared from our everyday vocabulary.

My point is – have you used the word recently – in the last year – or maybe two?  When did you last hear anyone refer to a teacher, a doctor, or a political leader as kind?

Can’t recall?

I can tell you why.

Because it doesn’t feature any more.  Kindness has no significance in the business of our lives. It’s a commodity that we have learnt to do without.

Nevertheless, it is something that I remember with clarity.  Maybe as a child I understood how precious and rare it was; because I remember seeing it so clearly in my grandfather’s slightly sad smile.

But there are ways to re-establish contact and to re- affirm and even strengthen your relationship with your teenager.

Of course, it’s a difficult period but you can get through it provided that you let go of the reins and allow your teenager to find himself on his own.  After all, isn’t that what you did? So without being obtrusive be sure to be ever-present.  Let your child know that you are always waiting in the background to support and advise him whenever he needs it.  But make sure that it really is the background. Provide a strong and positive presence but be careful not to intrude.

Attune your ears so that you can hear and listen to the silences. This is not quite as strange as it seems.  What it means is that you should make yourself aware and sensitive to the real but unspoken needs of your child.

Hear the unspoken words.  See the hidden signs.  Be receptive to the often brash signals that he sends out hoping that you will understand their underlying meaning.

And most importantly – be ever ready to understand that what he is saying is the exact opposite of the message that he is trying to convey.

And when you really want to know how he is coping, take a look at his handwriting. Has it changed a lot in the past year or so? Pay particular attention to the slant. If his handwriting is beginning to lean backwards it means that he is starting to look inward.  If it is extreme, it could be a sign of withdrawal and it’s important for you to know this.

If the slant is varied and mixed, he could be feeling confused.  And then of course, the lower loops will tell you a lot about his changing hormonal development.

It can be very enlightening to watch the development of your adolescent child through his handwriting.  But above all, it can give you some valuable insights that will come in very useful while trying to understand him when all else fails.

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Sadly, schools and colleges don’t teach this vital skill to children – they have to pick it up for themselves along the way. No wonder our relationships flounder through lack of knowledge and the right information.  That is why it will be included here as a valuable skill to study and explore.  There can be nothing more important than learning how to create and maintain good relationships.  Because in the final analysis, that is really what life is all about.

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